Who's Your Daddy?
by Rude's Mom
Summary: Hank Summers wasn't Buffy's real father. A number of 'what ifs' for the position of daddy. Set in season 5 and onward.
1. The Letter

Title: Who's Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

Author's Note: This takes place partway through season 6 of Buffy.

* * *

Dear Buffy, 

If you are reading this, I guess I was never able to tell you the truth. I know how hurt you were when your father and I divorced. I know how confused you were when he stopped coming around. Please believe that it had nothing to do you as a person. You see, Hank wasn't your real father.

Years ago I was quite the wild child. You got a glimpse of that during the band candy incident. It's not something I'm proud of. I was already several months pregnant when I married Hank and, yes, he did know that you weren't his.

Anyhow, at the time of the divorce I promised not to tell you the truth and Hank promised to continue being your father. Even though he renegged on his promise, I kept mine until now. This fall has brought it home that I might not be here forever and you deserve to know the truth.

I met your real father...


	2. Miami Vice

Title: Who's Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

* * *

_I met your real father_ in Miami in late 1979 or early in 1980. At the time I was calling myself Joy and I was into the drug scene. Sonny Burnett was a friend of my dealer. To a small town girl from the midwest, he was the perfect guy, rich and seriously handsome. He lived on a yacht called the "St. Vitus' Dance" and drove a Ferrari. The fact that he was rumored to be a smuggler just made it more exciting. 

We became lovers and for a while it was great. When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized that I was in over my head. I didn't want to expose my child to my lifestyle and I was afraid of telling Sonny. He'd been getting more short tempered and was starting to scare me. I left him while he was on one of his "business trips."

I didn't dare go home as your grandparents would have killed me and I didn't want to stay in Miami either. I hopped a bus and headed to LA. I met Hank a couple of months later.

After the divorce I tried to track down Sonny, not to hook up with him but out of curiosity. He dropped out of sight by 1990. Considering his involvement with drugs, he's probably dead or in hiding.

I wish I had the courage to tell you face to face.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Mom

- - -

Buffy placed the letter down and picked up the telephone.

"Willow, could you do a computer search for me?"

**fin**


	3. Stargate

Title: Who's Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

* * *

_I met your real father_ in Washington, DC, at a Christmas party in 1979. Believe it or not was a poly sci major as an undergrad before switching to art history. Your grandfather had been a major contributor for years and pulled a few strings to get me an internship in Senator Johnson's office after my junior year. 

When your father entered a room he immediately became the center of attention. That night was no different. He was tall with light brown hair. Not the most handsome man I'd ever seen but there was something about him. A presence I guess. He made quite an impression on me.

A week or so later we met again at the Capitol. I was bringing Senator Johnson some reports and he was just leaving a meeting with the senator. He took me out to lunch, the first of many. Then lunches became dinners at expensive, out-of-the-way restaurants.

I didn't think to ask if he was married. Naïve of me but you know how I can block out what should be obvious. When I discovered I was pregnant, he was upset but promised that we would be taken care of. He arranged for me to marry a junior partner of his law firm so that there would be no scandal. You see, he was preparing to run for the senator's seat in the next election. Your real father is Senator Kinsey.

What you do with this information is up to you. However, over the years he shown his true colors and he is not the man I once thought he was. I think you have enough to deal with without concerning yourself with him.

Love,

Mom

- - - -

Buffy looked at the letter in disgust. She never told her mother that she had met the "good" Senator the last time she had visited her dad. The creep had wandering hands. Now she wondered if he knew. No way she was ever going to contact him.

**fin**


	4. The Dukes of Hazzard

Title: Whose Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

A/N: Fixed. Thanks to Don Sample for catching my big boo boo.

* * *

_I met your real father_ during the year I spent with "Uncle" Rosco. Your grandfather's job took him to South America and Mom and I stayed with her cousin. Bo Duke was the cutest guy in Hazzard County and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be dating him.

He was a little bit older than I was and lived with his uncle Jesse just outside of town. I guess I'd have to discribe him as a "good old boy." His family used to run moonshine back in the day which wasn't unusual in those parts. Most families in the county were involved in producing or running moonshine at some point. In some ways it had become a game of trying to outwit the "revenuers."

The problem was that his family and Uncle Roscoe's were on different sides of what amounted to a family feud and the feud eventually broke us up. You see, Rosco was the local sheriff and owed his job to his sister Lulu's husband Jefferson Davis Hogg otherwise known as Boss Hogg. Boss Hogg controlled most of the town and could make life unpleasant for anyone associated with the Duke family. He had had Roscoe chasing after the Duke boys for years, pretty much since the day they were born.

Bo and I tried to keep a low profile and for a time it worked. One of the deputies was sweet on Daisy Duke and he helped cover for us for her sake. Other folks, like the town mechanic Cooter, just liked the Dukes better than the Hoggs. In the end, Boss Hogg found out. It wasn't pretty and your grandmother and I left town the next day.

I never had a chance to tell Bo that I was pregnant and only one person from Hazzard County ever found out. Several years later Enos, one of Rosco's deputies, moved to LA for a time. I ran into him one day while shopping. You were with me and he figured it out. Apparently, you looked a lot like one of your father's cousins did at that age. He promised he wouldn't tell since I was married and Boss Hogg was still hounding the Dukes. I've enclosed Enos' address in case you want to contact your father.

Love,

Mom

-

Dawn looked at her sister. "Bo, Daisy, Enos, Cooter, Lulu, Hogg. Guess Buffy's not such a bad name after all."


	5. The Partridge Family

Title: Whose Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

* * *

_I met your real father_ at a concert or more precisely, after the concert. I hadn't been a big fan of Tiger but a friend of mine had won a pair of tickets. I'm sure you never heard of the group. Like so many others it was big for about six months and no one remembers it today. I don't even think it has rated a mention on one of those VH1 where are they now programs. I was one of the girls that got a backstage pass. The guys from the band took about half of us out to a party.

The concert was the last one on that leg of the tour and the party continued for a couple of days. It wasn't exactly a one night-stand but I never sawyour fatheragain.

I tried contacting him when I realized I was pregnant but I never made it past the band's manager. Apparently, one too many girls had claimed the same thing and Rueben Kincaid had mastered the art of stonewalling. The band was in France when their bus crashed. Your father was the only one killed.

I can't tell you much about your father. He did have a good sense of humor, which made him a lot more attractive than the rest of the band. I remember him saying that the other guys didn't realize that their fame was fleeting. He was right. Much later, I found out that he had been in another, more popular band, the Partridge Family, a couple of years earlier.

I've enclosed some press clippings that may answer some of your questions. You might be able to track down some of the members of the bands but last time I tried Kincaid was still running interference.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to tell you myself.

Love,

Mom

-

Buffy unfolded the largest clipping first.

"Tiger Drummer Danny Partridge Dies in Accident."


	6. Stargate 2

Title: Whose Your Daddy?

Author: Rude's Mom

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. No money has changed hands. This is just for fun.

* * *

_I met your real father_ when I was seventeen. He was a transfer student in my math class. He didn't mix much and usually had his nose in a book. He was the outsider, ignored if he was lucky but more often the butt of somebody's joke. I found out much later that he was a foster child, which explained those awful glasses that he wore and the state of his clothes. As you found out when we moved to Sunnydale, children can be very cruel to anyone that isn't part of the group. The best thing that I can say of my behavior is that I didn't pay much attention to him most of the time. 

In May of my senior year, the farewell party season was in full swing. There were a number of small, private parties as well as a few really big parties. I still can't believe that he showed up for the luau beer bash. A couple of hours into the party, he lost his glasses. He had the most beautiful blue eyes. The best description I can think of is a young James Spader. He even stood up for me when one of the guys wouldn't leave me alone. We wandered off and I'll leave it at that.

After graduation I realized that there were unexpected consequences to my behavior that night. Your grandfather was furious and descended on Daniel's foster family. A bad situation got worse when he found out how young Daniel was. Although he was a senior, he had skipped a couple of grades. I swear I didn't know he was only fifteen. In the end, I was shipped off to your Aunt Grace and Daniel was placed in with another family.

After Hank and I divorced, I hired a detective to try to find out what happened to him. Dr. Daniel Jackson is an archeaolgist with doctorates from UCLA and the University of Chicago's Oriental Institute. (You can thank him for your high SAT scores.) He had some rather radical ideas about the pyramidsthat destroyed his academic career and is currently working a civilian consultant for the Air Force in Colorado. The final report is in my safe deposit box, the key is in my jewelry box.

Daniel's a good person. I think you would like him.

Love,

Mom

-

"So, Willow, after we stop Glory what do you think about a Scooby road trip to Colorado?"


	7. MacGyver

... at a photography seminar. He had introduced himself as Peter Thornton, a recent transplant to California from the East Coast. He was few years older than I was and quite charming. We spent several weeks together before I realized that he was not the man i thought he was. By then, he had completed his business and left town, leaving me pregnant with you. I tried to find him but he had disappeared without a trace.

About a month later, I met the real Peter Thornton, who actually went by the name of Pete. He was an agent that worked for DXS. He had spent the last few years tracking the man I knew as Peter. He wouldn't tell me much about his impostor, only that he had been an assassin and had recently been killed, He suggested that I leave the area just in case anyone else connected me to "Peter" and so I moved south to LA where I met Hank.

Some years later, an associate of the real Pete Thornton, a Mr. MacGyver, contacted me. It seems the impostor was still alive and he wanted to know if I had seen him. I hadn't and to this day still haven't. I did learn your father's name. It's Murdoc.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

Love,

Mom

- - -

Two sisters sat on their late mother's bed.

Dawn looked at her sister in shock. "An assassin?"

Buffy shrugged, she had found her mother's letter a week earlier and had come to terms with it.

"Yep."

"So, are you, like, going to try to find him?"

"Nope."

"Then why show me Mom's letter? It was addressed to you, not me."

"There have been too many secrets in this house." Buffy hugged her sister. "I don't want there to be any more."


	8. Galactica 1980

...my senior year in college during spring break. Rather than head to Florida with my roommate, I hitched a ride out to LA to visit my cousin Jamie. She had just been hired as a reporter for UBC which at the time sounded a lot more exciting than Daytona. It was through her I met your father.

His name was Dillon. He was tall, blond, and quite handsome. He was with good kids. He and his friend Troy spent a lot of time with a youth group and all of the kids just adored him.

After spring break, we corresponded for awhile but just before graduation the letters stopped coming. He just disappeared, along with Troy and Jamie. My last letter told him about you. The letter was found unopened in Jamie's apartment.

I wish I could tell you more about Dillon but over the years, I have come to realize that I never really did know him.

Love,

Mom

--

**Rome, first year post-Sunnydale**

Buffy sat in stunned silence in her apartment. She didn't even move when Andrew gently took the documents from her unresisting hands. The documents that Riley had found in a recently discovered cache of files from the Initiative. The documents that explained so much and yet so little. She wished she could have shown them to her mother. Somehow, it wasn't right that Maggie Walsh had known the truth when Joyce had not.

As Andrew flipped through the pages, his energy level slowly began to increase until it reached a triple-shot mocha espresso on the Rosenberg scale.

"This is like, so cool," he squeaked. "Your dad was an alien!!"


	9. Airwolf

while working with a branch of the CIA . In some ways, the "Firm" was very much like the Council. They liked to recruit young women. Most were like me, young and without much in the way of family. Archangel, my future boss, found me when I was seventeen. He liked to surround himself with ladies who could discuss the finer things in life when they weren't doing something less refined. The Firm paid for my schooling and eventually my art degree. I worked mostly as a courier, working at various galleries and auction houses as a cover. Then, one day I met your father. String did some work for the firm. We had a brief affair but a longterm relationship was never in the cards. He was a deeply troubled man who had lost too many people to ever allow himself to get close to anyone. When I discovered I was pregnant, I quit the Firm. Surprisingly, Archangel helped me to disappear. I met Hank shortly after that.

If you decide to track down your father, I've left some papers in my safe deposit box that should get you started.

Mom

- - -

**Three years later**

Michael Coldsmith-Briggs III, codename Archangel, surveyed the two young women sitting across from him. The younger one reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite put his finger on just who it was. The elder, a small-framed blonde, returned his gaze with an appraising one of her own.

"What can the Firm do for the Council?" he asked curiously. The Firm, unlike another branch of the government, made sure to steer clear of anything that had to do with the Council's business. It was healthier that way.

"I following up on a lead from one of your former agents," the elder Miss Summers replied. "Where can I find Stringfellow Hawke?"


	10. The Man From UNCLE

in New York. At the time, I was trying to break into the world of high fashion as a model. (Stop laughing Buffy! Remember your Dorthy Hamill phase?) Your father was a designer at Vanya's. He was quite a bit older than I was with an accent to die for. His name was Illya Kuryakin. Our affair was a brief one that ended shortly after we found out that I was pregnant. He arranged for me to move to California telling me that I would be safer there. He never explained from who or what. The only time he ever contacted me again was just before your second birthday. He sent a locket that he wanted you to have. It was your favorite gift that year. You wore it constantly and I had to replace the chain several times before you finally stopped wearing it just before you entered high school.

I tried tracking Illya down after I first became ill but he had vanished. Maybe he went back to Russia but all I know for certain is that he left Vanya's in 1983. Perhaps Willow or Mr. Giles can find out what happened to him.

Remember that I will always love you,

Mom

- - -

The extended Scooby gang had gathered in the living room of the Summers home. Willow and Tara shared the new couch with Dawn while Anya perched on the arm of Xander's chair. Giles and Buffy sat on chairs that they had brought in from the dining room.

"So your real dad was a mysterious Russian," Willow asked. "It's kind of romantic."

"Maybe he was a spy that got recalled to Moscow," Xander speculated.

"Kuryakin, Kuryakin," Giles murmured. "I wonder...Buffy, do you still have the locket?"

"Yeah, after reading Mom's letter I went looking for it. I'm wearing it now." She reached to her neck and unclasped the chain before handing the necklace to him.

"Good heavens, no wonder the Council didn't find you sooner."

"Huh?"

"It's an amulet sacred to Erebus," her watcher replied.

"Airy who?"

"Erebus, god of darkness and shadow," Willow supplied.

"Yes. It most likely hid you from the Council's seers." He handed the necklace back to Buffy. "The Slayer line tends to run in certain families. I suspect that his family was one of them. By giving you the amulet, he was trying to protect you from discovery, to let you have a normal childhood."

"Oh," Buffy said quietly. "Do you think we can find him?"


	11. Touched by an Angel

...when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. My life had been in a tailspin for years. It began with your grandfather's death when I was fourteen. A year later, I was breaking curfew on a regular basis. I was also experimenting with drugs, starting with marijuana and then moving on to the harder stuff. I was shooting heroin by my junior year. Once my stepfather figured out what I was doing, he threw me out. I was a street kid for what seemed like the longest time. Then I met Tess. She worked at a shelter for kids like me. She got me into a treatment program. Later, she helped me find a job and go back to school. I really thought I was going to make it. I tried to contact my mother but she was ill and her husband wouldn't let me see her. When she died, I fell apart again. That's when I met him.

His name was Andrew and he found me in an alley after I OD'd. Somehow, he got me to the hospital in time. Afterwards, he took me back to Tess. He would visit me once or twice a week. Sometimes, we would go to a museum or out to dinner. He encouraged me to stay clean and go back to school. He said that I had important things to do in this life. Six months later, he said it was time for me to move on but that someday, we would meet again.

Two months later, I was stunned to discover that I was pregnant. I don't know how it happened but somehow, I know that Andrew was responsible. I also knew that I did need to move on and start over. With Tess's help, I moved to LA where, a couple of weeks later, I met Hank.

While I never saw Andrew again, I did meet Tess one more time. A week after I told you not to come back, she showed up at the gallery. I broke down and told her what had happened, how angry and stupid I had been. She told me to keep the faith and that you would come back home when you were ready.

I hope that, someday, you will be able to forgive me for not telling you sooner.

Love,

Mom

- - -

Joyce had just settled down to rest on the couch when she heard someone in the house.

"Hello, Joyce," a voice she had never forgotten said.

She opened her eyes to see Andrew. She stood up in amazement.

"Andrew, how..."

"I told you we would meet again. I've come to take you home."


	12. Full House

at a comedy club in late 1978. At the time I was dating Jesse Katsopolis, much to the annoyance of my parents. Jesse snuck me into the club to see his brother-in-law's best friend Joey try out a new act. The act was painfully bad but Joey reminded me of a really goofy puppy, annoying but kind of sweet. After Jesse moved on, Joey and I kept in touch and eventually started dating. The novelty of hanging around in comedy clubs and dive bars (usually the latter) wore off after a couple of months and I broke up with him.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I made the decision not to tell him. I didn't want a life on the road going from one club to the next with a baby in tow or an absentee husband. I guess I just didn't see him ever settling down.

I don't think Joey ever really made it big in show business. He did get on _Star Search_ but I never saw him on television again.

If you decide to look him up, his full name is Joseph Alvin Gladstone.

Love,

Mom

- -

**San Francisco, July 2003**

"How do I tell my family that I'm a freak?"

"You are not a freak," Buffy assured the distraught teenager.

"Think of it as being a hot chick with superpowers."

"Andrew, stop channeling Faith," the Senior Slayer said in exasperation. "Michelle, we can help but you do need to tell them. It's hard enough to be a Slayer without having to hide everything from your family."

"Like the broken alarm clocks."

"Yep, I've gone through a lot of them over the years. It helps if you put them as far away from the bed as you can."

"Dad and Uncle Joey are going to flip."


	13. Law & Order SVU

...in 1980. I had dropped out of college a few months earlier and headed east with with the idea of becoming a model or an actress, I hadn't made up my mind. All I did know was that New York City was the place to be. I found work as a cocktail waitress at bar called Costi's. That's where I met him.

Donny was one of the regulars at the bar. He was friendly, a good tipper, and cute. We hit it off and eventually started seeing each other. We lasted a couple of months before I realized that he had problem with alcohol. I was already suspicious that I might be pregnant when I found out. I didn't want to bring up a child in that kind of environment so I broke up with him and came back to California.

I never told him that he was going to be a father. You see Donny was a police officer when I knew him. I just wanted to disappear and I was afraid if he knew about you, he'd have the resources to find us.

If you want to try to find him, his full name is Donald Cragen.

Love,

Mom

- - -

**16th Precinct, New York City, 2007**

"How much longer is this going to take," the irate blonde snapped.

"Not much longer Miss Summers," ADA Novak replied. "There was a problem at Rikers."

Buffy sighed. "Sorry, it's just that I really don't like police stations."

John Munch, having overheard the exchange, was compelled to take a second look at the witness. He could tell that the young woman was unusually tense considering that she was neither the victim nor related to the victim.

"You have a problem with cops," he asked.

"Not really," she lied.

"I think that you do," Munch commented.

"Fine, I have a problem with cops. It tends to happen when the police in your hometown are either corrupt or terminally stupid. Sunnydale cops were not known for inspiring trust."

"Sunnydale, California? The sink hole?"

"The one and only."

"I've heard rumors about that place for years," Munch said almost gleefully before the trio were joined by his boss.

"Captain Cragen, meet Miss Summers, a former resident of Sunnydale," the detective said. "She's here to see if she can id the perp in the Waller case."

Buffy turned to look at the new arrival. Cragen? No, it couldn't be. The PTB couldn't be that warped.

"You wouldn't happen to be related to a Donald Cragen?"

"I'm Don Cragen," he stated. "Why?"

"Could I speak with you privately after I do the line up thingie?"


	14. Charlie's Angels

... while staying with my cousin Tiffany during the spring of 1980. She was working for a detective agency in LA at the time. I can just imagine your face at that very idea of Tiffany Welles-Cabot working as a private eye. Today, that is a closely held family secret along with her attending the police academy in Boston after graduating from Whitley.

One day while Tiffany was working on a case, I met your father-to-be. He was quite the ladies' man and I fell for him almost instantly. The relationship was brief as I was never cut out to be part of a harem. Not a real one of course, but Charlie had nearly as many women as a certain magazine publisher with the initials HH.

I discovered later that my Charlie was the same Charles Townsend that owned the agency that Tiffany was working for. When she found out, she quit and moved back to Boston. I think she was more upset than I was about the whole affair.

Charlie knows about you. I went to him the summer you ran away to see if he would help me find you. He refused to help. He said that you would come home eventually and that it would be safer for you if there was no way to link the two of you together. He claimed he had made a number of enemies over the years that would gladly use you to get to him.

Truthfully, I don't know if I believe him. Somehow, I think your enemies list trumps his but living in Sunnydale, I have learned not to tempt fate by making declarations about things like that.

Remember, I love you. Always.

Mom

- - -

The Scooby Gang watched in stunned silence as Anya sprung up from her seat beside Xander and gave Buffy a big hug.

"You know, this makes us practically family," she said cheerfully.

"Ahn," Xander said slowly, "you're not making any sense."

"She's Charlie's daughter," Anya replied a little less cheerfully.

"Yeah, that's what Mom wrote," Buffy responded. "But how does that make us family?"

"Charles Townsend is the heir to Arashmahaar. He's the oldest surviving spawn of D'Hoffryn."

"Good lord," Giles muttered as he took off his glasses and began furiously polishing the lenses.

"He probably will be. He's a little too in love with the human idea of justice but he'll probably have outgrown that by the time D'Hoffryn steps down."

Buffy whimpered.


	15. Boston Legal

...while on vacation in Puerto Vallarta. Denny on an extended holiday. We met a discotheque on my first full day in town. He may have been a bit older (okay, quite a bit older) but he literally swept me off my feet. He was very charismatic and I was overwhelmed. I'm ashamed to say we were intimate almost immediately. The affair was even briefer than my vacation. I think my replacement's name was Shirley.

I never bothered to get in contact with Denny when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to deal with any legal issues that might arise. I figured it would have been a no win situation for me since Denny was apparently a big-time lawyer from Boston.

I recently tracked him down though just in case you decide that you want to meet thim. He's a partner in Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. He's Crane. It may be just a coincidence but the third partner is Shirley Schmidt.

Love,

Mom

- - -

**Boston, 2006**

"Buff, you sure you really want to do this?" Xander asked for the sixth time in the last half hour as they waited near the reception desk of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt.

"Once again, no," Buffy glared at her new husband. "But it's not like we have much choice you know. The Council is all for keeping it in the family whenever possible. So unless you know of another law firm on the East Coast that has a senior partner that's related to a ranking member of the council?"

Xander sighed. He hadn't meant to make her crankier but he could help himself. Early winter in Boston was not his ideal honeymoon. That would entail sunny beaches and Buffy in an itsy bitsy bikini, or less. He would have to settle for getting even Willow for reminding Giles that Buffy had a legal eagle for a birth father. Something with frogs, lots of frogs.

"Mr. and Mrs. Harris, Mr. Crane is still unavailable. Would you be willing to speak with his associate Mr. Shore?"

Xander glanced over Buffy who nodded. "Sure, why not?"

- - -

Buffy inwardly shuddered. Icky didn't begin to cover the vibes that she was picking up from Alan Shore. She'd rather deal with a Fyarl than shake his hand again.

"So, I understand that your organization is looking for new representation Buffy. I can call you Buffy, can't I," he asked her chest.

"Yes, we are looking for a new set of lawyers and no, you may not call me Buffy."

Xander snorted. "I'd keep that in mind if I were you, Mr. Shore. She's Mrs. Harris to you."

Alan reluctantly turned his attention to her husband. "So Mr. Harris, Is there a particular reason that you are looking to replace Kamen, Frakes, and Cook?"

"They were retained by the previous board of directors. The new board feels that they can not rely on a firm with strong ties to the old board," Xander stated.

"I see. And just what type of services would you be looking for?"

"We need a firm that can handle anything that might come up," Buffy replied.

"Anything?" Alan was intrigued.

"More like everything. Incorporation, real estate.." Xander began.

"Guardianships and criminal defense," Buffy finished. "We're all for the one stop shopping."

Whatever Alan was going to say was forever lost as his office door was flung open.

"Denny Crane," the aging and portly lawyer said as he strode into the office. "Shirley tried to keep me too busy to see you. She wants me you know."

"Denny, I'd like you to meet the representatives of Potentials, Inc., Mr. and Mrs. Harris."

"Denny Crane is always glad to meet new clients," he said as he shook Xander's hand. "Especially such lovely ones," he finished as he raised Buffy's hand to his lips.

Eww! And Mom complained about _my_ dating habits Buffy thought as she not so subtly attempted to scrub the back of her hand on her skirt.

"So, what brings you to Crane, Poole and Schmidt," Denny asked.

"Actually, you," Buffy said.

Denny preened. "My reputation proceeds me."

"Maybe not the reputation you think," Buffy muttered quietly before continuing in a normal voice. "Could we speak with you without Mr. Shore's presence?"

"Only if it's without Mr. Harris' presence," Denny countered.

"I guess its foursome then," Xander said. "Wait, I didn't just say that did I?"

"Yes, and it will be a foursome when hell freezes over dearest," his loving wife said. "Mr. Crane, the reason that Potenials, Inc. is looking to hire your firm is that we prefer to keep things in the family. According to the documents left by my mother, you are my father."

"Your father?" Denny was dumbstruck. "You're little Faith?"

"Faith?" Xander started choking.

"Faith Lehane."

Buffy whimpered as Xander began giggling.


	16. Revenge of the Nerds

...when I was a student at Adams College. I was a Pi, or more precisely, a Pi Delta Pi. The Pi Delta Pis were, quite frankly, like Cordelia. The Pis were the core of the cheerleaders and the head cheerleader was always a Pi. The Homecoming Queen was a Pi. The football team dated Pis. To be a Pi was to be one of the most popular girls at Adams. Of course, it wasn't enough just to be a Pi, I wanted to be The Pi. I wanted to date the quarterback, who just happened to be an Alpha Beta. He was interested in one of my sorority sisters. I'm ashamed to say that in an attempt to out-do her, I went too far. There was only one person potentially more important to the football team than the quarterback and I did land him, if only briefly. When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted nothing more to do with me. Even back then, I wasn't really surprised. I knew that I was a liability that he couldn't afford. He did help me transfer to UCLA but that was as much for himself as it was for me. We never saw or contacted each other again. As time went on, I put him out of my mind.

It wasn't until we moved to Sunnydale that I thought your true parentage became an issue. For a time, I was worried that you might be interested in Xander. I did some checking and while the two of you are related, you only share a great-grandfather. I have given the relevant paperwork to my attorney if you chose to pursue this. I will warn you that your real father is not a particularly nice man and will not approve of your friends. As wonderful as Xander and Willow are, as far as he would be concerned, they are nerds. Truthfully, I don't think that you would like him.

Always remember that I love you,

Mom

* * *

The Scoobies, minus Giles, had gathered in the Summers living room where Buffy disclosed the contents of her mother's letter and the documents she had retrieved from the lawyer.

"Xander and Buffy," Willow stuttered. "Cousins?"

"Uh, huh. Kinda gives me the wiggins 'cause," Buffy said before grinding to a halt at Anya's glare.

Dawn missed the looks between her sister and the former vengeance demon. She was too busy figuring out what relationship she might have with Xander. After all, she could get lucky and he would see that she, not Anya, was his soulmate.

Xander, simple soul that he was, fixated on the one thing he could sort of understand. "My dad's cousin was a football coach?"

* * *

Author's note: Blame TwoBlackDragons for this one. He/she suggested Remington Steele, which brought to mind Moonlighting, which led me to Revenge of the Nerds and Coach Harris, played by John Goodman.


End file.
